Complacency

It has been revealed to me how truly complacent I am. So often I pray that I would be fully awakened from the spiritual sleepiness that drifts around like a fine mist, yet I have no energy to thrust away the drowsiness. My eyes seem glued shut with sleep, yet I am comfortable, just the way I am, lacking any further diligence other than that required to crawl slowly through the stages of earthly life. Though I may occasionally strive for higher understanding, to attempt to live a life of meaning, and to be a good example, I may never achieve that highest standard that has been set. Not alone. It is only by His grace and mercy that I may even breath, that I continue to exist. My struggles belong to no-one but myself, because I am a human being. All that I could ever be out of my own fleshly self is lower than the dust of the earth, self-centered and shallow, blown to and fro by every stirring breeze that happens upon the dusty road. Despite this state of utter deprecation and sluggishness taht I seem to be trapped in, I am comfortable. I am seemingly content with loosing, willing to quit running the race if I become even slight,y out of breath, constantly being distracted from the goal that lies ahead. I say I want to finish the race, to achieve the goal, and often I think to myself how wonderful it will be, yet my heart is not set on it. I live as one who has no true purpose in life, other than achieving those goals common to members of the society I live in. Go to school, get a degree, build a resume, start a career, find a wife, start a family, raise children, try to get past all the hardships in life without stumbling too badly, and eventually end up in the grave to become a pile of carbon molecules at the bottom of an oblong box. Perhaps my name will be found in the archives one day, and passed on as something utterly insignificant, but the person, the body, soul, and spirit will be absent, forgotten in the myriads of generations to come. Perhaps I have yet to believe that it is really true, despite the fact that it has happened countless times before. Yet again, perhaps I have built a wall of excuses, so that no change might squeeze its way through into my life. So then, I am complacent. I will say then that I hate my state of comfort, and sneer at it with utter derision. I have purposed to wrench myself free of its bondage, to take a stand for the One I believe in, whose purpose I have been called to fulfill. Yet here I stay, spreadeagled in the muck like swine in mud. I need His help, He must give me more faith, for within my own soul, no faithfulness can be found.